my story

I really don’t know where to begin..and i don’t want to make this too long. But ever since i can remember I have been overweight. When i was younger i weighed just as much as the other girls but since i was shorter it looked different. They made fun of me. I wanted to be like them, to be thin. I started to get taller and I was still bigger than they were and i didn’t understand why. In elementary school that’s all i did was wonder why, i never stepped on the scale though. 

Soon enough middle school came along. I was just used to being big so i was used to the insults. But then in seventh or eighth grade my best friend got her first boyfriend. He was horrible to her and me. He would insult her and make her feel like shit. For her birthday he got her a knife so she could start cutting and he encouraged her to stop eating, which she did. She developed an eating disorder pretty quick and got as low as 90 pounds. For being 5’ 6” that’s unbelievable. I sort of knew even though she didn’t tell me, i didn’t understand how she had lost so much weight in such little time. When she told me face to face it wasn’t a surprise but for some reason i couldn’t stop crying. She ended up in the hospital for cutting and the eating disorder and is now much much better. She also ended things with the boyfriend. Her ex didn’t like me very much though. He thought it was fun to harass me in the halls with his friends. But the halls turned into calls and facebook chats. Being called ugly, disgusting, and fat so many times made me feel like shit, like i was a terrible person. I think i purged the first time freshman year. Even though the harassments had stopped after a death threat they didn’t leave my head and i began to harass myself. 

I can’t believe some of the things i would think and write in my diary, it was horrible. And purging became a habit, it was sort of normal i guess. I didn’t purge as often as a lot of people do though. It was more like once a week, not even sometimes. I would only do it when i felt i really ate too much. Or if i wanted to eat a lot i could always assure myself that i would throw it up so it was okay. I stopped for a while. And then started again. It was an on and off thing. I tried to tell my mom but i couldn’t, and plus i’m so overweight how could anyone think that i was doing this you know. Eventually i stopped completely, well atleast for a while, I sort of gave up the idea of losing weight. The thoughts still stuck with me though. Always insulting myself, crying, i mean none of it really stopped. 

About a few weeks ago (i’m a junior in high school now) I purged again. I had three bowls of pasta and god knows what else. I felt so guilty so i turned the shower on and played some music so my parents wouldn’t hear and i purged so much, it was painful since i hadn’t in so long, and i used a tooth brush this time. A few days later my throat started to hurt and i got strep throat. I know that my friend had just gotten it and she had used my chapstick but i wasn’t sure if it was from the bacteria on the tooth brush or her germs on my chapstick but either way i feel terrible about the whole thing. it really gave me a lot of time to sort of think and realize that i want to do this the right way, the healthy way. I’ll always get urges to purge but i’ll just have to get through them i guess, because even though this is going to be a part of me my whole life, i think i can overcome it somewhat. 

So here i am, over the strep and ready to eat healthy and work out daily. I’m so beyond ready to lose this weight, and do it healthily. I can’t wait to see results and prove everybody that didn’t believe i could wrong. So, that’s my story i guess, if you read it wow i applaud you. 

Also, this isn’t my main tumblr, i do have a normal tumblr that i’m not anon on and my identity is revealed, but for now i want to keep it a secret. I’m not sure whether i’ll reveal myself or not. I’ve kept all this stuff to myself so i’m not sure if i want people to know who i am, but we shall see.